How does this work...I really am not getting it.

I don't get the falling in love with a little girl halfwayaround the world that i've never even met part.

I don't get the part where the most beautiful precious four year old in China can be so sick.

I don't understand how it was better for her to die.

And I mostly can't figure out how it still hurts me.

It's been almost 2 years since i met her.

I looked at pictures. I sent her clothes and toys. I held her on my lap and let her play with my camera. I couldn't speak her language. I prayed my heart out for her. And wanted more than anything to hear her breath normal and walk easily. I wanted her to know the love of a family...and what it's like to run. I wanted her for mine forever.

I thought I would kind of get over it. But I'm not...and every day I see the striped sweater I
never got to send her for Christmas. And her face is still in my phone.

I want to go back and double check that she's really not there...eating cucumbers and watermelon outside...watching the other kids play around her...yelling at them once in a while when they take her toy...then unsuccessfully trying to catch her breath. And then she'll look and see me and put her arms up to be held like she did before.

But...no...that's not the plan.

The plan was for her to die. Now she knows love. Now she can run and dance and breath. Her skin isn't purple anymore. She's perfect. And when she puts her arms up to be held...Jesus will be there. And she'll be His...forever.


Sharon said...

Such a great conclusion! Even if it's impossible to get over. She is so beautiful! Thanks for sharing.

Through the Sea Glass said...

ahh hard. Love, there will be times YEARS later when you will just be sitting in your car, and start sobbing. JUST because she will not be there, but I see that as a SWEET expression of love and how that person touched your heart. It ACHES it KILLS but sometimes it's good to remember it and cry rather than push it aside. (my experience is when my 15yr cousin died 8 years ago.) We are HAppy that they are perfect and healthy now, we are ALLowed to be sad for us. Ugh. I wish I could hug you. Keep photos/videos etc. Precious reminders. Love you. HEAPS.