30.11.10



there comes a time...
             ...when you have nothing left to give or feel. 


except a silly face.





29.11.10


A girl at work last week told me that Ania and I look alike. It confused me. I was like...'but she's Korean.' And she said, 'yeah I know. But she's still just like a little miniature Kaisha."

And that made my small world.

Ania is...um...just very Ania. She's extreme. She's SUPER happy when she's happy and SUPER sad when she's sad. And any opinions she has are EXTREMELY strong opinions. Her hair is kind of representative of her personality...it's big and thick and boofy and doesn't ever do anything calmly.

Anytime I see her she screams 'Teesha' so that the whole world can hear and comes running to give me a hug. And her hugs only get better.

She can be difficult...a handful...frustrating. To say the least.

But I think she's gonna turn into a best friend...even if there is a 15 year age difference.

10.11.10

life hurts.

alot of times i'm seriously genuinely happy.

but other times i just get tired.

tired of not seeing my daddy when i go over to my people's house.

tired of watching what i say to dad and wondering if he'll ever come back to us...wanting to show him jesus love and being tongue tied at the same time.

tired of telling guy friends that i don't want to date them. i love um too much to be fine with breaking their hearts.

tired of wishing for a full gas tank and an air ticket to england.

tired of wondering what people are thinking about me.

tired of missing people i'll never see again.

tired of being on the verge of tears and never having them actually spill out.

tired of watching my little sisters cry when dad's car drives away again.

tired of explaining my life to people but at the same time feeling like i need to talk it out of me.

tired of being tired and just wanting to fall asleep as soon as i go to bed.

tired of wishing jesus would materialize in front of me and hug me. i could use a hug from him.

usually i'm ok. i'm really happy. i wake up. go to work. drink coffee. watch the office. talk with my roomie. stay up too late. listen to 'light up the sky' by the afters over and over and over again. love jesus. and remind myself every 30 seconds that he loves me.

and sometimes he reminds me that he loves me in these funky ways. he uses other people and it's always when i need it most.

he loves me...and he will stop at nothing to show me that. he died because of that love. and he won't let me forget.

and it's just enough to keep me moving.

enough to face my dad with love when he wants to have a relationship...even though he's never wanted it before and now he's abandoned my family.

enough to know that my life has a point.

enough to hug my little sister and look beyond her stubbornness at her hurting confused little heart.

enough to explain one more time to someone how my family is doing.

enough to have hope for my friends that don't know his love.

enough to talk over 'issues' with mom and rehash them over in my own brain everyday.

it's this constant thing...it never goes away. this knowledge in the back of my heart that says 'you are beautiful and i love you.' it almost hurts because i don't know what to do about it. i just keep going with life. facing crappy circumstances everyday with a grin is about all i know how to do right now.

i've learned that it doesn't matter so much how big the hurt is in my heart at the end of a day. no matter how much i try to trust or give it to god or remind myself truth...the hurt will still be there.

and it kills. and you cry and lay in bed forever without falling asleep and wish you could fix it or someone would fix it or anything.

but at the end of the day...no matter how big the hurt is...there's this little thingy somewhere way back that knows for sure without doubt that God is bigger. the hurt feels bigger. but i know it's not. and knowing that gives me enough guts to stare down life everyday.

***

when i'm feeling all alone
with so far to go
the signs are nowhere on this road
guiding me home
when the night is closing in
it's falling on my skin
oh god will you come close

and light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me

you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me

you light light light up the sky
to show me you are with me

the stars are hiding in the clouds
i don't feel them shining
when i can't see beyond my doubt
the silver lining
when i've almost reached the end
like a flood you're rushing in
your love is rushing in

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me
you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me
that you are with me

so i run straight into your arms
you're the bright and morning sun
to show your love there's nothing you won't do

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me

you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me
that you are with me

light up the sky . the afters