10.11.10

life hurts.

alot of times i'm seriously genuinely happy.

but other times i just get tired.

tired of not seeing my daddy when i go over to my people's house.

tired of watching what i say to dad and wondering if he'll ever come back to us...wanting to show him jesus love and being tongue tied at the same time.

tired of telling guy friends that i don't want to date them. i love um too much to be fine with breaking their hearts.

tired of wishing for a full gas tank and an air ticket to england.

tired of wondering what people are thinking about me.

tired of missing people i'll never see again.

tired of being on the verge of tears and never having them actually spill out.

tired of watching my little sisters cry when dad's car drives away again.

tired of explaining my life to people but at the same time feeling like i need to talk it out of me.

tired of being tired and just wanting to fall asleep as soon as i go to bed.

tired of wishing jesus would materialize in front of me and hug me. i could use a hug from him.

usually i'm ok. i'm really happy. i wake up. go to work. drink coffee. watch the office. talk with my roomie. stay up too late. listen to 'light up the sky' by the afters over and over and over again. love jesus. and remind myself every 30 seconds that he loves me.

and sometimes he reminds me that he loves me in these funky ways. he uses other people and it's always when i need it most.

he loves me...and he will stop at nothing to show me that. he died because of that love. and he won't let me forget.

and it's just enough to keep me moving.

enough to face my dad with love when he wants to have a relationship...even though he's never wanted it before and now he's abandoned my family.

enough to know that my life has a point.

enough to hug my little sister and look beyond her stubbornness at her hurting confused little heart.

enough to explain one more time to someone how my family is doing.

enough to have hope for my friends that don't know his love.

enough to talk over 'issues' with mom and rehash them over in my own brain everyday.

it's this constant thing...it never goes away. this knowledge in the back of my heart that says 'you are beautiful and i love you.' it almost hurts because i don't know what to do about it. i just keep going with life. facing crappy circumstances everyday with a grin is about all i know how to do right now.

i've learned that it doesn't matter so much how big the hurt is in my heart at the end of a day. no matter how much i try to trust or give it to god or remind myself truth...the hurt will still be there.

and it kills. and you cry and lay in bed forever without falling asleep and wish you could fix it or someone would fix it or anything.

but at the end of the day...no matter how big the hurt is...there's this little thingy somewhere way back that knows for sure without doubt that God is bigger. the hurt feels bigger. but i know it's not. and knowing that gives me enough guts to stare down life everyday.

***

when i'm feeling all alone
with so far to go
the signs are nowhere on this road
guiding me home
when the night is closing in
it's falling on my skin
oh god will you come close

and light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me

you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me

you light light light up the sky
to show me you are with me

the stars are hiding in the clouds
i don't feel them shining
when i can't see beyond my doubt
the silver lining
when i've almost reached the end
like a flood you're rushing in
your love is rushing in

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me
you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me
that you are with me

so i run straight into your arms
you're the bright and morning sun
to show your love there's nothing you won't do

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me

you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me

light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me
that you are with me

light up the sky . the afters

14 comments:

Annie said...

Oh, Kaish....I hurt with you, I cry in prayer for you, and wish I could just come over and hug you every time you needed one. You are my hero, friend, an amazing example for how to cling to Jesus and keep your eyes fixed on the Hope of Heaven when your feet are stuck deep in the mire of earthly trials. You probably don't see it yourself, but God's grace is shining so brightly out of you right now and your rock-solid faith and trust in God brings Him glory. Just wanted you to know that.
I love you, friend. <3

Abbie said...

I came home and bawled after talking to you today...I wish I could more truly empathize with everything that's going on in your life, but know that I think of you every day and pray for you and your family each time God brings you to my mind. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Kaisha~ God is doing a good work in you. Keep holding tight to Him and the truth that our trials have purpose...His glorious purpose in transforming us to be more like Jesus. I love your honesty and openness. Praying that the Lord will take your pain away and bring His peace to your heart. Here a huge hug!

Uncle Jack said...

Kaisha - I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I pray for some peace and understanding for you and all of the things happening right now.

RamblingTart said...

Kaisha, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now. Wish I could find you and give you a big hug. I understand so much of what you wrote today and my heart aches with yours. You are such a beautiful bright spot in so many lives, so dearly loved and delighted in. I wish you much comfort, peace, and even joy in your sadness.

tara said...

Kaisha. I am so sad with you in your circumstances, yet happy with you that God is revealing Himself to you in new ways through this. I do empathize with you and wish things could be different. I'll keep praying for you, my friend. You are doing great. Hang in there...love you!

Stormgirl said...

dear friend... my heart breaks for you. I love you so much and I am praying a lot for you. Keep your eyes on Jesus, He is the one that will keep you going. He has such a beautiful and marvelous plan for your life. And He loves you, thinks you are so lovely, and thinks you are a wonderful person. Thank you for your vulernability and humbleness. Hugs to you dear one.

Anonymous said...

You Are Beautiful by Mercy Me

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Kristine said...

Hey Sis. Love your blogpost. I wish I could fix all your problems. And mine. Well, and Marie's, and Nicole's, and Tara's and pretty much anybody's. Heaven sounds better every day. Wish I could go buy you a plane ticket. Or a boat ride across the Atlantic even. You could crawl to the east coast and catch it. And go back to living in your castle. Ahhhhh. And who is "anonymous" that posted my new theme song? And so ... did it make you feel better? Spilling your guts on your blog like this? I'm so tempted but can't figure out any blog-appropriate way to say pretty much any of it. And don't you love it when Uncle Jack writes you a comment? He's the best. And you're the best. And your birthday is coming! And I can't decide which flavor of Mike's to buy you! Ha. Way to be old. I adore you. And the house is pretty clean, so its safe for you to come over and I won't put you to work. Well, except I might invite you to dinner and then ask you to cook it again! That still cracks myself up. Good night. Kiss on top of head.

Kristine said...

And there hasn't been a single time that I've ever listened to this song (Bad Day) and haven't loved it and felt more normal because of it.

Anonymous said...

Kaisha,
You are one amazing young lady! I am so blessed by your sweet, honest approach to life - even when it HURTS! I am also thankful that you know the Lord Jesus and that HE is your refuge and strength, a strong tower to run to in time of need. He is at work for your good and HIS glory (I know it doesn't seem good right now)and HE is worthy of your worship every moment of every day! Sing to Jesus, dear one, fix your HOPE on Heaven, and await HIS great salvation from this old world !

Rebekah said...

Hello. You don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog tonight and was touched by your thoughts. I have experienced how hard life can be in the last two years and it only seems to be getting harder. I am tired too. Really tired. But I was reminded tonight that God is smiling on me. That my thoughts of Him are so small. He is smiling on us friend.
Love from New York,
Rebekah

Kristine said...

Oh, my goodness. Rebekah from New York needs to be your new best friend! She's sweet and adorable. How fun is that?

Kristi said...

Yes, you should get to know Rebekah. I am privileged to know her and think the world of her--she has been through much. Can identify much. Can love much.(love you Beks if you are reading this!)
Aw, praying for you sweet girl. To be perfectly honest, I knew NOTHING of what had been going on until a couple of days ago, which was when I read this post. I have begun to pray now. May Jesus King of Angels hold you close in this night of grief.