This joy thing is almost starting to freak me out.
I'm a pessimist.
Hi. I'm Kaisha the pessimistic depressed grump.
But I'm not that way anymore. I know that because life really really sucks lately. And just when it seems like it's becoming maybe ok...something (or nothing) happens and it all goes downhill and blah.
The thing is that when it all goes blah, and i start to question why, and wonder what i really do want out of life, and what life is about, where God went and all that...I dig deep and always at the bottom is this joy. This really broad, deep thing that is firm and immovable and solid and simultaneously super bouncy, excited, and just bursting.
For the first time in my life I am truly Joyful and content.
I was talking to a friend today and dearly wished I could offer her some kind of advise about how she could make it happen in her own heart. But I couldn't. Because I did absolutely nothing to be like this.
For years I thought that I should be happy. Find my happiness and joy in Jesus. And be content.
But I couldn't. It just was not happening.
I think it was when I sort of unconsciously gave up on trying that it happened. He gave me a joy that is so deep that...um...that I don't even know what.
I think I had happiness and joy mixed up. I thought joy was happiness. Like...if I wasn't emotionally in a place where I could smile happily at the big stinking world on a bad day then I wasn't being joyful.
That's so not true. Just because the end of the story is always joy, doesn't mean I'm happy. Life is still crap. (sorry. but it is.) And I don't have to be happy about it to have Joy.
Joy isn't an emotion. It can spill over into emotion and happiness, but at it's core that's not what it is. For me it's more of a knowledge.
Knowledge that God is always there. That it's all in His hands. That no matter how I mess up or am hurt He still loves me. Knowing that He's proven Himself faithful and will keep proving Himself. That He can change and keep safe the people I love. And that He loves them too. That He'll do what's best for them.
I knew all that stuff before...but not the way I do now.
And maybe all that is just a load of rot...but it's how I see it...and if I'm wrong someday He'll show me. It's life. Figuring stuff out. Getting it wrong. Learning it over again. And every step of it brings you to fall in love more with Him.
And why is it freaking me out? Well it's not really actually freaking me out...I just don't get it. It's so big and amazing and out of character for me. I never imagined that life could be like this.
And I wanted to end this by saying that I have an awesome God or something like that. But it sounds way too cheesy and not climactic enough. Problem is I can't think of any other words. So you're just going to have to catch the spirit of the thing:
I must really have an awesome God.