Back from Capernwray. 

Life is hard. 

You'd think it'd be like..."oh yay! I just got back from Europe and I learned so much and God is awesome and blah blah blah." And all happy and full of stories and stuff. 

Sort of. Yes to all the "God is awesome, and I learned so much" part. 

But I would give a whole freakin lot to go back in time about two months and keep everyone from getting on that coach and leaving on the last night. Just to have Capernwray life continue as it had been. I don't want to go relive it. Because there was hard stuff that I learned and had to go through when I was there. 

But to have it continue. To be with my friends again. Sleep in my own bed with the lumpy pillow. Look out my window and see everyone meander out of the dining hall. Pass a note in lectures. Walk the loop. Go out after lock up. Sit in the corridor til 3 in the morning talking about anything and everything with my roomie. Balance on that gate and cry my heart out. Watery hot chocolate. Alphabetizing library books. All of it...the good and bad.

What's hard is to explain why I miss it, and in conjunction explain what I learned. 

God had taught me that it was never just me. It was always us. Me and Him together. 

I learned that where he has me is where he wants me. 

That any labels or views I have of myself are way overridden by the fact that I'm his daughter. First. Always.

And I could feel change and progress with big battles I'd been having. He was tearing me down a little at a time. And I thought that if only I could stay at Capernwray for a few more months my life would be radically changed forever. 

But God brought me home instead. And my life is still changed forever. 

It's just harder to feel the change. 

Still, he's been so...there. Or here I guess. Here for me. 

Every once in a while something will happen. Something big or something small. And I'll realize that that was God. He's still faithful. He's still here. Right beside me. Feeling my pain. Convincing me to fall in love with him little by little. 

I can see him working. Not feel him so much. But I can see it. 

Exactly one week after I got back I had a job offer. Within the next week he dropped a little house and a roommate right in my lap. He's given me eyes to see this town in a new light and to appreciate it more. He's brought me a wonderful new friend that I don't know how I ever lived without. 

And then...to top it off. 

I was in the library one day. A little blonde haired boy in a tye dyed shirt came around the corner: "Hello."


"You look pretty today."


"You look pretty."

"Thank you."

Then his huge brown eyes looked straight into mine and I swear I saw Jesus in them.

"You're welcome."

He gave me a hug and walked away.

And...as weird as it may sound...I think somehow God meant that compliment and hug to be from him. 



Through the Sea Glass said...

wow kaisha, its so wierd how i feel like were going through the same thing...in such different ways...I loved your post - so you. so real. I just am soo happy you got to experience God through that little boy. Ill be praying for you love.

Brenda said...

Love you Kaish. My early 20s was not an easy time for me either! The good thing is that YOU are doing it with God, unlike how I approached those years. You are a beautiful person. always have been. Always will be. And you're always welcome here, so come visit when you get the chance!

Annie said...

So beautifully written....and I know it comes straight from the beautiful heart that God continues to refine in you. Life is SO not easy at times (alright, *most* times), but as I heard Marybeth Chapman say recently in an interview, "We do hard. That's what God has called us to right now." And it's only in the hard that we more clearly see and run to our perfect Abba for help to weather the storm.
Love ya, Kaish. <3

Amanda said...

Wow, I just loved reading this. It was so real and a great reminder to always put god at the center of things! I love getting to know you! <3