4.7.11

I'm so done. So done.

I thought I'd gotten whatever it was He wanted me to learn.

I mean - He's brought me so far and taught me so much.

Isn't it enough? I'm sure there's something more to learn...but I can't keep up with this.

How bout a break? Please?

There's plenty more time in my life to teach me whatever it is, God!

It has to stop sometime right?

I'm not so much worried. There's ways to make it, ways to find money, ways to save money. My family won't die of starvation.

I'm just tired. I've been tired before. But this-I can't do it anymore. We've been doing it for years. It won't stop. It just gets worse. One thing leads to another thing and it never lets up.

Sometimes I think...'well at least no one's dying.' But that's happened too. Twice for me.

I just sit there...not quite crying...and yell at Him in my head. 'Why? Why? Aren't you done yet? I can't. I'm done. I can't. I can't. No. I can't.'

I don't even know what I can't. I just can't.

It's just simply not a possibility anymore.

I'm tired. I'm done.

Just done. Done not being able to cry. Done being the cheerful person when my insides are dying. Done smiling and shrugging when people comment on my latest hard. Done trying to explain and either getting lectured or misunderstood or given a blank look. If you haven't been betrayed and broken you just can't know. Done putting my heart into trying to plan and having it shattered. Done with this oldest sister syndrome that has to fix it for them or die. Done with this war of choosing to find joy somewhere and turn it into happiness. Done feeling like the only person left heartless.

I really don't want to think happy thoughts right now. They are trying to come and I push them out.

I don't want to believe that God is good. I want to hurt. And hide. If anyone finds me I will have to smile and say something positive and believing and face God's goodness. And then smile and love and keep walking. And I don't want too.

I'll fall. I'll get stuck. I'll get stolen and hurt and abandoned and left bleeding with no heart all over again. And then I'll have to get up and keep walking again. And loving and smiling and believing.

I can't. I've been doing it over and over again and I don't want to get up this time.

I've been asking and asking Him to be done. I've been asking so long it's become mechanical. I could't cry. I couldn't hurt. I just asked.

Then he lost his job. And my family doesn't have income. Or a daddy. And he's off in rehab again. And I don't think I get to go to school. And they are all so messed up.

And it's caught up to me. And there's nothing I can do. I can usually think it out and figure it out and be ok. I can't. I'm done. I can't figure it out this time. I can't figure it out for myself so I can't figure it out for them either. I can't see the good in this one. I don't understand.

One too many God, one too many. I would have thought that losing my dad and grandpa would have been enough.

And then You come in and remind me again that You love me and that You're good and that it'll be ok and that You have a plan. You've reminded me twenty thousand times...please can you prove it? Please?

But I have to wait. I have no choice.

"...suppose you are up against a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless...

...What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good'? Have they never been to a dentist?"

(A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis)


...
How long must I pray, must I pray to you?
How long must I wait, must I wait for you?
How long til I see your face, see you shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain.
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life: that's all I am.
Right now I can barely stand.
If you're everything you say you are
Could you come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes.
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on y knees, begging you to turn to me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain.
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life: that's all I am.
Right now I can barely stand.
If you're everything you say you are
Could you come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers.
Your promises remain.
I can't see, but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name.
To hear you call my name.

One tear in the dropping rain.
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life: that's all I am.
Right now I can barely stand.
If you're everything you say you are
Could you come close and hold my heart?

(Hold My Heart, Tenth Avenue North)

8 comments:

Annie said...

I really, really, *really* miss you. I wish I could be there not to say anything, but to give you a hug and cry together. I love you soooo much. <3

Through the Sea Glass said...

I love you dear Kaisha.

Kelsey said...

Dearest Kaisha, if only I could find words to bring some comfort to you..but we all agree that sometimes words aren't enough, nor can I accurately step inside your shoes and feel your pain. I love you!

Jillian said...

i don't know what to say other than i've been in a similar spot and i'm praying for you. here's something i wrote on one of those sorts of nights... http://jilirose.xanga.com/653555286/a-mess-he-dont-wanna-clean-up/

Just One Thing More said...

*Sigh*
I get it.
I'm sorry it's your life.
Wish I could write an easier script.
You have a lot of guts.
You're strong.
hug.

Britty Mac said...

My heart goes out to you, friend. Keep clinging to the One who loves you more than you'll ever know. *Hugs*

Rambling Tart said...

I'm so sorry, Kaisha. I found myself nodding the whole way through your post, understanding, agreeing, KNOWING what you're feeling. I thought ten bad things ago that one more would kill me. And they nearly did. But I had good people to prop me up and love me all weak and needy and an utter puddle at the drop of a hat. I won't tell you it will all get better - it may not. But I hope that it will, and that your heart finds courage and your body rest. xo

according to sabrina said...

Aww :-( This makes my heart sad. Hope you feel better girl...things always turn out okay in the end.

xo