I already told you about my lovely last couple months. And...I could elaborate, add more details, other big crazy life things that happened, and even give you the story of the last couple years. But I think you get the picture. Life sometimes sucks.
But I lived through it. It's not like everything was ok and fine. But I could see enough of God's hand to know that it was under control and for the better. But still...it was the hardest couple months of my long lifespan of 20 years.
Through it I would tell myself: "Oh it's just life I guess. I'll survive."
But even though it was "fine," and there were alot of good parts to it, it still was pretty much misery. And I couldn't wait to leave my little life behind.
What did leaving life behind look like? It looked like a long plane ride to a castle in England. It looked like sitting in Bible class lectures. Reading...alot. Tea. A train ride in England just like all the ones I've read about in my favorite books. Getting a British accent. Finding a friend from a different country.
It basically has nothing to do with work, accounting class, work, pneumonia, work, keeping up with friends, family, daily life, and work.
The day finally came. Two suitcases and my messenger bag were stuffed with a million shirts, my favorite skirts, 2 pairs of converse, my black hat, green bag, camera, and books. Passport. Itinerary. Boarding pass. School acceptance letter. Everything perfect and ready.
Ok...sure...that might be a little over the top. But. It felt like that.
You'd think it's be like..."Oh, big deal. No problem. We'll catch a different plane in a few days. Miss a couple days of school. What the heck. Who cares?"
Um...ya...no. It wasn't like that.
I could get through 60 hour work weeks while getting over a fever and dealing with a...difficult...boss.
I could cry about lost friends, hard family life, moving from my childhood home, and failing a class.
I could miss Mei Mei just as much as I did 5 months ago when she died, or 10 months ago when I last saw her.
But it was fine. It was all good. He somehow kept my trust and let me see enough of the amazingness that He was doing in my life that I could get through it without going on depression medication or anything.
Then the stupid volcano blew.
And I fell apart.
I thought I was leaving my hard little world. Taking a break. From the moment I got on that plane I thought my life would be all grand with no worries.
I sat on the slab outside my bedroom door and bawled. I was frustrated that one more stupid thing had to mess up my life. I was mad that He would let it happen. I'd had enough. Hadn't I learned enough already? I thought life would be done happening. But apparently it wasn't. And I couldn't get over it.
All that stuff I had thought of as just "life," wasn't life. It was Him. He'd been teaching me the whole time. I was going to escape "life" and leave. But I can't escape Him. And He wasn't finished with me.
I was mad at myself. I was immature, I was selfish, I was letting a little setback completely get me down. I thought I trusted Him. And now I was a failure. In front of Him.
I'd been excited to spend hours in Bible lectures, reading God books and my Bible. I was going to learn from studying. But instead of teaching me through all that, He chose to teach me through the absence of all that.
Weird. Not what I would have expected. Obviously.
A friend told me this: You should be looking back - not going "Wow, I've been through so much." But more like, "Wow, look what God has gotten me through."
And she's right. I'm still sad. And have kind of given up on hoping to hard for anything really nice to happen to me in the near future.
The same Him that got me through everything before, will get me through a long, boring, sad week. I failed miserably, but He's ok with failure. He's not gonna look at it and think, "Pft...forget her. She can't deal with a little trial and get past her stupid problems." I might think that...but He won't.
He gives you problems and expects you to fail. Otherwise what would be the point of the problems?