I already told you about my lovely last couple months. And...I could elaborate, add more details, other big crazy life things that happened, and even give you the story of the last couple years. But I think you get the picture. Life sometimes sucks.

But I lived through it. It's not like everything was ok and fine. But I could see enough of God's hand to know that it was under control and for the better. But still...it was the hardest couple months of my long lifespan of 20 years.

Through it I would tell myself: "Oh it's just life I guess. I'll survive."

But even though it was "fine," and there were alot of good parts to it, it still was pretty much misery. And I couldn't wait to leave my little life behind.

What did leaving life behind look like? It looked like a long plane ride to a castle in England. It looked like sitting in Bible class lectures. Reading...alot. Tea. A train ride in England just like all the ones I've read about in my favorite books. Getting a British accent. Finding a friend from a different country.

It basically has nothing to do with work, accounting class, work, pneumonia, work, keeping up with friends, family, daily life, and work.

The day finally came. Two suitcases and my messenger bag were stuffed with a million shirts, my favorite skirts, 2 pairs of converse, my black hat, green bag, camera, and books. Passport. Itinerary. Boarding pass. School acceptance letter. Everything perfect and ready.

Then. In Iceland. A wicked little bird told the angry volcano gods that a certain excited girl in a pear skirt and black hat was planning to fly to England. And the angry volcano gods laughed loudly and made plans to bring the excited girl's life to ruins by spewing ash all over Europe so that any plane destined for England would never be able to take off because of engine failure, crashing, and...death.

Ok...sure...that might be a little over the top. But. It felt like that.

You'd think it's be like..."Oh, big deal. No problem. We'll catch a different plane in a few days. Miss a couple days of school. What the heck. Who cares?"

Um...ya...no. It wasn't like that.

I could get through 60 hour work weeks while getting over a fever and dealing with a...difficult...boss.

I could cry about lost friends, hard family life, moving from my childhood home, and failing a class.

I could miss Mei Mei just as much as I did 5 months ago when she died, or 10 months ago when I last saw her.

But it was fine. It was all good. He somehow kept my trust and let me see enough of the amazingness that He was doing in my life that I could get through it without going on depression medication or anything.

Then the stupid volcano blew.

And I fell apart.

I thought I was leaving my hard little world. Taking a break. From the moment I got on that plane I thought my life would be all grand with no worries.


I sat on the slab outside my bedroom door and bawled. I was frustrated that one more stupid thing had to mess up my life. I was mad that He would let it happen. I'd had enough. Hadn't I learned enough already? I thought life would be done happening. But apparently it wasn't. And I couldn't get over it.

All that stuff I had thought of as just "life," wasn't life. It was Him. He'd been teaching me the whole time. I was going to escape "life" and leave. But I can't escape Him. And He wasn't finished with me.

I was mad at myself. I was immature, I was selfish, I was letting a little setback completely get me down. I thought I trusted Him. And now I was a failure. In front of Him.

I'd been excited to spend hours in Bible lectures, reading God books and my Bible. I was going to learn from studying. But instead of teaching me through all that, He chose to teach me through the absence of all that.

Weird. Not what I would have expected. Obviously.

A friend told me this: You should be looking back - not going "Wow, I've been through so much." But more like, "Wow, look what God has gotten me through."

And she's right. I'm still sad. And have kind of given up on hoping to hard for anything really nice to happen to me in the near future.

The same Him that got me through everything before, will get me through a long, boring, sad week. I failed miserably, but He's ok with failure. He's not gonna look at it and think, "Pft...forget her. She can't deal with a little trial and get past her stupid problems." I might think that...but He won't.

He gives you problems and expects you to fail. Otherwise what would be the point of the problems?


Brenda said...

Well Kaisha, showing great insight here girl! Guuuuurrrrlllllll, you got it goin' on! Nobody likes the trials requiring great exercising of patience, but you WILL get past it. Praying for you!

Peter Rust said...

'All that stuff I had thought of as just "life," wasn't life. It was Him.'

A+ for that line, Kaish. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing.

Abbie said...

Kaish', I totally LOVE your new blog look and theme and title and EVERYTHING. It's SO you!!!

Eagerly awaiting your second chance to get on a plane and go live in a castle... =) I can't wait to see pictures and hear all about it!

Annie said...

It hasn't been nearly as recently as you, but I've been in this same spot. Tired of too many things not going MY way and seeking an "escape" that I thought would solve all my problems. And God gently, lovingly pulled it away from me. I learned I couldn't run from trials and hard things, but that I could face them with HIS grace and power enabling me. Looking back now, I don't ever regret Him saying "no" to me the way He did...it has yielded so much fruit in my life, but it took perseverance and leaning on Him to finally see that His ways were really best.
All that to say...I know what you're going through and feel for you sitting on that doorstep outside your room right now. I pray that God will get you on that plane to England before you know it and bless you with an amazing time of fellowship and communion with Him in a beautiful place. Prayers and hugs to you, dear friend!

Kristine said...

Good post, Kaish. Wow, if I had known you were outside crying I would have brought you a root beer or something. ;o) The cool thing, is that our failure never shocks Him, just like you said, but just to know that He smiled on you just the same when you were (understandably) wallowing in self as when you typed the post after having it all sorted out right. Not because your selfish wallowing was perfectly great, but because when He looked at you in those moments He was seeing the perfect work of Christ for you. It's so cool that you can look back on lessons learned and just be so thankful for what He's done for you and not go on wallowing ... only this time being sad with yourself for your failure. Penance. None required. Forgiveness. And joy in grace.

tara said...

It is amazing what God uses to draw us to Him, to help us know Him...Things we'd never expect or wish for. I love the fact that He is in control, and that we can rest in His arms. Even in the midst of turmoil, we can rest!! It isn't always easy, but I am excited for you and can't wait to hear more of God's faithfulness to you! Thanks for being open to share your heart and for keeping it real!! love ya!