Do you ever just have a complete loss of understanding...something happens and you respond with tears or smiles or whatever the moment calls for. But even as you react, you realize that you simply don't get it. Your brain goes blank. Your emotions are suctioned out, and you're left trying to just...get a hold of something that will make it real. 

Middle of December. Don't even remember what day it was. Maybe Thursday. I was working and the phone rang. My mom. She's crying. At first I thought it had just been a bad day...normal life stuff that just gets to be too much right? But no. Not this time. 

"Kaish, MeiMei died." 


I want to say it felt like my heart was ripped out...but that would hurt. This didn't hurt. It's more like my heart dissolved...melted...was just gone. 

Most people don't understand how I can love a little girl that lived on the other side of the planet, spoke a different language, was sick beyond help, and didn't even know I exist. They can understand showing compassion and wanting to help...but truly loving her that much? Before I even met her? She wasn't even my own kid...or sibling, or anything.  

Honestly...I don't know how it works. 

I sponsored Ava Hope because I wanted to. I thought I was sacrificing something...some money once a month. It was something I wanted to do kind of for fun, but also kind of because I wanted to help someone else out. Neither of those are bad reasons either. 

God's funny...he takes our reasoning and logic and good intentions and turns them completely backwards on us. Even if I hadn't sponsored, that little bit of money would have come from somewhere else. Ava Hope still would have lived at Shepherd*s F*eld until she was adopted, and MeiMei's life wouldn't have been much different either. 

Compared to what I gave, what I've gotten is way way way bigger. I don't totally know what all of that is yet, and how it will influence the rest of my life, but what I've learned, what I've seen, where I've gone, how I think, what I hold most important, and who I am have changed because of Ava Hope, China, and mostly MeiMei. 

I know that contrary to what I thought before, I didn't choose to help MeiMei out in my own little way, God chose MeiMei to change my life. 

I still don't get it. I've had to change things to past tense that I first wrote in present tense in this post. I look at pictures and cry...all the time. How could she just be gone? If anyone deserved to live, it was her. She was fragile and always breathed heavily, but she was so strong. There was a look in her eyes that showed endurance and fight. She had a silly sense of humor, and fought for her place among the other kids. 

I asked Jesus to let her stay, to hold her heart and keep it working...but he took her home. Now she has a Daddy. Sometimes I ask him to hug her for me, and hold my heart...her's is perfect now. 


Kristine said...

Kaish, I'm so glad you wrote this! So well written. It would be neat to have you write about Tiffy in 5 years again ... just to see how you process her impact on your life a little bit down the road. So glad we went to China.

Caleb Scansen said...

Wow Kaisha, that was extremely well written. You definitely portrayed your feelings. Very articulate. Excellent job.

Annie said...

Oh....I totally don't understand this whole experience either, but I know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feelings you're describing because I've had them too...over and over and over again. Thanks for sharing your heart in such an honest, open way...I think it helps people who didn't go to China with us or love these girls as we do to have just a glimpse of what the experience has really been like and what our post-trip connecting of the dots has been. Love you so much, friend!!

Amanda said...

Oh kaisha, this was so well written! So glad you blogged and so glad that you blogged about this!

Sharon said...

I agree with everyone else, very well written, thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I love the pictures, what a sweet girl.

Kristine said...

Gosh. I read it a second time and cry a little more. It nudges me a little bit more toward heaven. It's such a strange, never comfortable combination of pain and joy here. To be where there is only always incomprehendable happiness. I'm pushing toward the front of the line to get in on that! *sigh*

Brenda said...

Well Kaish, this post was worth the wait. Sorry for your pain, but overjoyed at what the Lord has done in your life through this beautiful little girl.

Britty Mac said...

Very well written! Thanks for sharing it with us. She is in the loving arms of Jesus now, and will be waiting for you! Hugs to you, friend! :)

Corina said...

Kaisha, thanks so much for sharing. I wish I would have known when I saw you last. Some things are just so hard to grasp!

Abbie said...

Kaish', this is beautiful! Wow. I love how you write. I can totally see a huge leap in quality too--you've bloomed into an amazing authoress. I LOVE it!!!

Historian Anne said...

What a fitting style employed to express your thoughts on this deeply moving and difficult time. My heart sunk and ached for you when I heard. I respect your love and dedication for Mei Mei.