these bests to laugh and keep the hurt from taking over.
family vacation...minus the little girls. maui. sun. bikini tan. sand in your shorts. tangled hair. bubba gumps. new yellow toms shoes.
chris n kat to hang with, live with, play wii with, snorkel with
larabee with capernwray friends...Jess, Bailey, & Dave from Scotland...and Jess's friend Katie
her first heaven birthday. i still miss her.
30.11.10
there comes a time... ...when you have nothing left to give or feel.
except a silly face.
29.11.10
A girl at work last week told me that Ania and I look alike. It confused me. I was like...'but she's Korean.' And she said, 'yeah I know. But she's still just like a little miniature Kaisha."
And that made my small world.
Ania is...um...just very Ania. She's extreme. She's SUPER happy when she's happy and SUPER sad when she's sad. And any opinions she has are EXTREMELY strong opinions. Her hair is kind of representative of her personality...it's big and thick and boofy and doesn't ever do anything calmly.
Anytime I see her she screams 'Teesha' so that the whole world can hear and comes running to give me a hug. And her hugs only get better.
She can be difficult...a handful...frustrating. To say the least.
But I think she's gonna turn into a best friend...even if there is a 15 year age difference.
10.11.10
life hurts.
alot of times i'm seriously genuinely happy.
but other times i just get tired.
tired of not seeing my daddy when i go over to my people's house.
tired of watching what i say to dad and wondering if he'll ever come back to us...wanting to show him jesus love and being tongue tied at the same time.
tired of telling guy friends that i don't want to date them. i love um too much to be fine with breaking their hearts.
tired of wishing for a full gas tank and an air ticket to england.
tired of wondering what people are thinking about me.
tired of missing people i'll never see again.
tired of being on the verge of tears and never having them actually spill out.
tired of watching my little sisters cry when dad's car drives away again.
tired of explaining my life to people but at the same time feeling like i need to talk it out of me.
tired of being tired and just wanting to fall asleep as soon as i go to bed.
tired of wishing jesus would materialize in front of me and hug me. i could use a hug from him.
usually i'm ok. i'm really happy. i wake up. go to work. drink coffee. watch the office. talk with my roomie. stay up too late. listen to 'light up the sky' by the afters over and over and over again. love jesus. and remind myself every 30 seconds that he loves me.
and sometimes he reminds me that he loves me in these funky ways. he uses other people and it's always when i need it most.
he loves me...and he will stop at nothing to show me that. he died because of that love. and he won't let me forget.
and it's just enough to keep me moving.
enough to face my dad with love when he wants to have a relationship...even though he's never wanted it before and now he's abandoned my family.
enough to know that my life has a point.
enough to hug my little sister and look beyond her stubbornness at her hurting confused little heart.
enough to explain one more time to someone how my family is doing.
enough to have hope for my friends that don't know his love.
enough to talk over 'issues' with mom and rehash them over in my own brain everyday.
it's this constant thing...it never goes away. this knowledge in the back of my heart that says 'you are beautiful and i love you.' it almost hurts because i don't know what to do about it. i just keep going with life. facing crappy circumstances everyday with a grin is about all i know how to do right now.
i've learned that it doesn't matter so much how big the hurt is in my heart at the end of a day. no matter how much i try to trust or give it to god or remind myself truth...the hurt will still be there.
and it kills. and you cry and lay in bed forever without falling asleep and wish you could fix it or someone would fix it or anything.
but at the end of the day...no matter how big the hurt is...there's this little thingy somewhere way back that knows for sure without doubt that God is bigger. the hurt feels bigger. but i know it's not. and knowing that gives me enough guts to stare down life everyday.
***
when i'm feeling all alone
with so far to go
the signs are nowhere on this road
guiding me home
when the night is closing in
it's falling on my skin
oh god will you come close
and light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me
you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me
you light light light up the sky
to show me you are with me
the stars are hiding in the clouds
i don't feel them shining
when i can't see beyond my doubt
the silver lining
when i've almost reached the end
like a flood you're rushing in
your love is rushing in
light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me
you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me
light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me
that you are with me
so i run straight into your arms
you're the bright and morning sun to show your love there's nothing you won't do
light light light up the sky
you light up the sky to show me you are with me
and i i i can't deny
no i can't deny that you are right here with me
you've opened my eyes
so i can see you all around me
light light light up the sky you light up the sky to show me
that you are with me
just looking through old things I've tried writing and found this. thought it was kinda cute. but you never really know for sure with your own writing.
Dear Miss Loretta Moattly,
I have been told that I am, of sorts, your cousin. To be precise, I am your half-brother’s uncle’s granddaughter’s daughter. I can’t say if that makes me a second, third, forth, twenty-third, or removed cousin. Family trees are not my talent.
However, I am undoubtedly certain that our relation gives me the right to send you letters. I have been pining away for someone to write to. Mailing notes to your own self becomes dismal very quickly.
Do not bother writing me back if you’d rather not. But please do read my letters. It is much more satisfactorial to write when you know it will be read.
I know you are an old woman. I hope you don’t mind me saying it for it’s just a fact. Most old women I have met seem to think I am a young and foolish child. I am not. Fifteen is a mature age for the most part, and I am a firsthand witness of it.
What strikes me as decidedly odd though, is that many people my age treat you old people as if you were the young and foolish children. It’s not like you know everything, but you sure do know more than me. Particularly stories. Old folks generally tell first rate stories. I can tell good stories, but none from decades ago, and not nearly as many. My story repertoire is quite limited compared to yours.
So, I make it quite clear that I am not writing you because I think you are old and stupid. And I hope you will not read my letters thinking I am young and stupid.
Quite contrary to that, I am writing you because you are another person. A person who reads. A person who will read my letters. And so that makes you as good as any other person to write to. And a person to write to is what I want most at the moment.
Because I find it excruciatingly annoying when people run out of paper and write up the sides of their letters, I will end here. You will hear from me again soon.
Most Definitely Yours Truly,
Florence Jo
P.S. I am afraid I had forgotten that “satisfactorial” is not a word. But it is already in ink and cannot be helped. My apologies.
You ever watch a movie and think…I wish life could be just like that?
You see the little things in the character’s lives and wonder why yours isn’t that way.
Well it is. Just look around.
I could be in a movie right now.
I’m sitting at the counter on a high bar stool. I’m wearing jeans, gray converse, and a plaid red jacket that used to be my dad’s. My hair is down and wavy in some spots from the braid it was in. Typing on my computer. Homework book opened in front of me. Daffodils in a bowl stand to the right. They’re not looking as hot as they were a couple days ago. Backpack, keys, apron, and cell are spread out on the counter. Music plays from my laptop. It’s like a soundtrack to my life. I can see out the dining room window. It’s dark except for the city lights. I’m supposed to be doing homework. But my mind wanders.
See? I could be in a movie. I’d make an interesting character with my funny outfit. Who knows what has been happening in the plot to make this moment interesting. But there’s a bigger story. I can’t help wonder what it is.
